If I am being honest

It is 5 a.m. and I am on the radio.


The first line of the song has a beautiful vibe to it, like it tells me that Mahajan, you are going to be hooked, so might as well fasten your seat-belt, lay back and enjoy the ride it is going to take you on.

It has been an incredible vacation this. Ever since I got back home on 29th March, the past 3 months have had some stories to tell. In all this time, so much has happened and so much continues to happen that sometimes, feeling overwhelmed doesn’t even start to explain the situation. Life has been good, it has been great and it has sucked pretty much all at the same time.

It has been the story of 2017, and hence there is a pattern to it, which does help. A pattern is easier to accept than epic surprises. But such has been the amplitudes of the crests and the troughs that the sheer momentum has knocked me out every time.

Bro and I have spent some epic times in my voyages to Delhi which has been a certain high! Cinnamon rolls have been an amazing discovery. And I hardly remember ever cracking so many jokes with Ma. I have missed her in these years I have been away. Not that I don’t miss junior or Pa, but Ma is Ma. Joking with her, pulling her, scandalizing her with extreme jokes has been a delight. Only yesterday, she was joking that she will put a bed for me in a small room besides her bedroom and when I get married; my wife can too sleep there. My response was the ever classic, “Well, I don’t think either of us two will mind much. You won’t be able to sleep at night with all the noises that will come. You will move to Junior’s room, seeking refuge saying neither they are sleeping, nor are they letting us sleep”. To say the least, she was scandalized; dad and Junior had a great laugh. Ma was like – You are an absolute shameless man, my boy. It was totally worth it. Much of these light moments at home have kept me through the months.

Then I joined a car-driving training school. Those 3 weeks have been the longest I had a routine and was a good experience too.

But how often do we write to rejoice good or great things. Not that we don’t, but if ever we do, it is rare. And well, I am not wasting the ‘rare’ at this moment while traveling.

It’s the bad, the not so great moments which have impacted me in a big way. 2017 has been about finding people, getting to know them a bit, showing them the worst and best of me, and seeing them disappear in to nothingness. It almost feels like they have never existed. And, that I gave a part of myself away, just like that. Why is this so important, given that people always leave? It is important, my friend, because abruptness leaves us with more questions than answers. It leaves us with more confusion than clarity. It fucks up our mind, and that is not a good feeling! For the first time in my life I am actually scared of making new connections.  Because every time someone leaves, a tremor, slightly more intense than the previous one is felt. And the cracks are now beginning to take their toll, while they continue to widen.

I was never a person of flings. I have always desired stability. I have always sought anchors. Not the kind that stop me from growing, but the ones that keep me rooted and in whose presence I can harvest my life fruit. Lately, I have given in to the temptations. But now, with more cracks than ever before and being far more emotionally fatigued than ever before, I am beginning to realize that some people can never enjoy others for a night and then leave all of it behind as if it never happened. Term me a bore if you shall, but the realization comes with a sense of shame and guilt for not having stayed true to my own identity. Whether or not I will make a change or not remains to be seen.

I know I keep these feelings to myself
Like I don’t need nobody else

Apart from this, I have gained massive amounts of body weight which sucks. How am I ever going to back into a good shape is a question I have been asking my tummy lately. No answers yet.

And then the location bomb – Mumbai. I wonder why I was ever given any preference. Had I forgotten my kismat and how it would never play in my favor? After almost 2 months of chasing the HR, having been told that I would be joining Gurgaon before having it changed to Mumbai at the last minute, it has been a terrible experience. I don’t know whom to blame for it won’t solve anything. As the only person joining not the place of his preference, it sucks. The call on which the HR delivered the news to felt like a swift, hard punch to my guts. It knocked the air out of me. I silently went about my routine, had lunch and slept off for the next 4 hours. It didn’t help. The mourning continued. As I delivered the news around, the same question kept coming back to me. “Why are you sad about Mumbai?” “It is a great city, you can so much fun” “Isn’t Mumbai your favorite city?”

It is true I love Mumbai. I love it probably more than any other city, maybe with the exception of Paris. But I love Mumbai nonetheless. I believe it is a great city. But it has its perils. Now I have the scary task of finding an apartment which won’t be bigger than the hall of an apartment in Gurgaon, while paying more, in fact way more than what I would have been paying in Gurgaon. In Gurgaon, I could have found places to stay at walking distance from office, which would have saved enormous amount of time and money.

And then are the two most personal reasons. My friends stay in Gurgaon, and though there is no guarantee of staying with them or meeting them every weekend, still, knowing that they are around is a liberating feeling. I had made so many plans with Bro. What am I supposed to do with them? Forget them just like that?

And then how and where do I start to describe the tales of Mumbai that I have locked up tightly inside a vault? Mumbai, for me, was always about certain people and the amazing time I have spent with them there. They made me fall in love with the city, the freedom it had to offer. How do I tell my parents and my friends that re-visiting all those memories is not a pleasant experience? It haunts me sometimes, the memories. Mumbai has always been an emotional roller-coaster and it drains me out. My internship there wasn’t a great experience and I already fear for what is going to happen next. Just more questions and hardly any answer.

The vacations are in their final few weeks now. They have been a great experience. I have learned many a new things about myself and then there have been all these colourful experiences. But the feeling, more like this post, is of confusion, chaos, of lack of clarity and absolute blankness, ­If I am being honest.

When I was in my undergraduate university, a certain Mr. Kiran Seth (Also known as the founder of Spic Macay) had told me the best way to hone writing skills is to write often. I am beginning to understand what he meant. This post hopefully is a restart at writing more, writing often.

Lines in quotes taken from Honest by The Chainsmokers


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