A week to writing these words, I did something I had never done before in life. I quit a post I was holding, finding myself totally frozen out and unable to do anything worthy of the post I was holding. Somewhere quitting the post took some sudden weight off of my shoulders, but at the same time it just add to the long list of failures my life and 2016 have brought its way.
While I type in these words, I am sitting in a business simulation game, totally lost, probably for the first time in my life. Those who know me know that I generally take these team tasks very passionately, sometimes even flaring up to the point of shouting at others. Not today though. Today I am not interested. While I should have been studying about the game before hand last evening, I was busy doing some charity. While I should have been paying attention in the seminar introduction in the morning, I was busy texting with 10 people on WhatsApp. Suddenly, it seems I have lost the entire bag worth of my passion, energy, desire and focus to work.
Given that this comes on the end of a draining 3 week trip around Europe is in a way funny. People generally feel good about life when such trips end. For me, it was a in a way far more underwhelming that I had imagined. The choice of a travel companion who wasn’t the most ideal match probably made things just worse! The first thing I actually then quit was to plan to travel with people with whom I am unsure of the frequency and the camaraderie. So, the coming weekend, which is a 4-day weekend, will be spent in Paris, doing maybe nothing, just as the mood warrants. I hope to meet some new people but the way things have been shaping up in life, I am sure they will probably tell me off…
Secondly, the post I mentioned above came as a big decision to quit. But it wasn’t something I had taken lightly; it came at the end of having had my works ethics questioned, made to work while I was already doing an internship, was exhausted and burned out and was finally enjoying sometime among people closest to me. I know in professional light, it reflects badly on me, but then, what I am going through, it was best to call it a day there. I don’t know in the long run if this will be a wise thing to do, but for now, it brought me peace and I guess I will take peace for now, especially having had the guy pestering me, asking my classmates about my time table – which in any European country would amount to stalking!
And finally, among many other things, I have called it quits on the chase. Well, this one is easiest to make given the way 2016 has panned out. For a change, after many years of going and going, I have ended up tired. But now, I don’t want to rest on the bench. For now, I want to leave the stadium and go and sit by the river side, take in its rustles, accompanied by a can of beer and solitude. It’s harder than one knows you know, to accept rejection, professional or personal. After giving it a lot of your heart and grit, accepting that results sometimes don’t work out isn’t somehow much pleasing a thing. And for now, I want to quit trying to accept that sometimes best is not good enough. Peace
Quitting altogether on multiple fronts is not an easy thing. It leaves a bitter after-taste. You feel like a loser at first and eventually become indifferent to this feeling. It takes away motivation from the part of you that wants to fight, that wants to try and achieve the otherwise tougher tasks.
But somehow, of late, I have come to accept that it is necessary to quit. Sometimes we don’t know if the pursuit of something is right or not, and for the sake of appearing as a person with perseverance, carrying on doesn’t make sense. It is unfair both to yourself and to the pursuit as a whole.
It sucks, but then, C’est la vie! 🙂