“Hope is the heroine of depressed souls” – Not sure if I read this somewhere or was another one of my shitty creations, but I abide by it and I trust it. Hope is one dangerous thing we deal with, every single day.
I have, of late,been giving a little more of my time observing people, trying to find some broken souls who can guide me on or maybe can benefit from my existence. And I have come across many, some whose wounds are more open for all to see, some whose are wrapped and require little soul searching and then the third types – The ones who have wrapped those wounds and have camouflaged them so well that a shallow being like me can’t know for all my humble abilities how to have a look at them.
But remarkably the ones clearly broken and then ones on which I have some doubt on, are all driven by a sense of hope – A hope to redeem and salvage a broken past or a chance to fulfil the promises of a future which looks beyond them, the more they look at it. And somehow it fuels them, and unfortunately feeds on them – Maybe the same way drugs do, and hence the feeling!
But what I have not been able to make out during these musings is whether it is fair to take that hope away or not? I can only test the hypothesis on myself, and hence I proceed with this article.
When I started Swimming, I was a passion filled soul happy with those splashes in the pool. Slowly I learned how to swim, and soon before I turned 12, I had my first taste of competitive swimming. By next year I had been rejected in trials once and had already made it through to the nationals in another. It was fun till then. But then my times improved and I started hoping for things, and that beautiful relation has been a tad different since then!
Then came Kota, 18-20 best months of my life, but also lived with the hope of a life at an IIT, which was supposed to be a dream. Mine, though, on a personal front was more of a nightmare owing to so much unfulfilled potential! And somewhere that hope I carried with me was bit part responsible. I always felt that the utopian dream will remain utopian for a reason.
Nestlé happened, and for once I didn’t have much hope and when I reflect, it seems like it was a great journey, for everything was acceptable in the average scheme of things; even the failures.
But the game changer has been IIM Lucknow! Won’t deny, I was disappointed with my Calcutta result and was unsure of my Lucknow admission till my mother stepped in and convinced me to join. Looking back, on this bus journey from Lucknow to Jammu, it has been a decision I rejoice deeply! But again the hope factor wasn’t there. Now when it is, I feel scared; scared of losing out on the best of people I call my own and scared of losing out on the place whose grandeur continues to amaze me!
So in all of these examples, checkpoints of my life, I have, sometimes, done well with hope but mostly not! The feeling eventually has me in doubts as much it might have you. But knowing how I am approaching most of the things in my life these days, I stick to what I wrote at the start, hope is addictive and killer.
As a pessimist who was gradually turned into optimistic, I know find it hard to live without that hope. And even if reality eventually comes home, I prefer hope like that soft toy we sleep with. Something, which I let go off, everytime I wake up, but something I hold dear, and seek warmth from, whenever I am in the world of my dreams!
This has been a very unusual article as per my usual routine. I don’t know what it signifies in the current state of my mind! But it does leave me wondering about the classic saying from The Shawshank Redemption
Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies
Anyways, I recently came across a song which I would like to share with you, and especially these lines
And in my dreams, I meet the ghosts of all the people who have come and gone
Memories, they seem to show up so quick but they leave you far too soon
Naïve I was just staring at the barrel of a gun
And I do believe that, yeah
But I’ve got high hopes, it takes me back to when we started
High hopes, when you let it go, go out and start again
High hopes, oh, when it all comes to an end
Now the world keeps spinning
Yeah, the world keeps spinning around
In the end, I don’t know whether hope is a good thing or a bad one, but it sure is addictive..