The Sunday musings – Doubt


Impulsive people – Adorable, scary, Genuine, too much to handle. Their impulsiveness – Their strength and their weakness. Impulsive people are born different I think. They are born with their heart on their sleeves, with a soul full of fire and a mouth which they can’t control. The time I have spent with such people makes me realize how beautiful some of them are, others, unfortunately, are going nowhere. I guess that’s the paradox of being impulsive people – You can never be sure with them. Knowing myself well enough, I know which bunch I relate more with, and that’s not very impressive.

Impulsiveness with which they carry their hearts on their sleeves renders them vulnerable. They never need many reasons to be smitten by someone. They just are! And well, we all know where that takes them. The destination for any such pursuit is mostly heart break and well, that’s not exactly good, is it?

And then comes the topic for today! The doubt an impulsive person lives through then! The doubt to keep listening or stepping back, of going one or appearing long gone! Impulsive people are terrible at handling these doubts! Utterly terrible! And it is not hard to understand why so. Because life for them works in binary – 1/o, there is no greyness involved. Except when it involves people with grey bands between those binary states!

And when I talk about relations, I don’t necessarily mean those of love. Look at the following example, a young 10-year-old boy, agile, fast, passionate about basketball, not selected over others just because of age (At least that was the recent cited). In most cases, people would keep playing and hope to crack the team next year. Not the impulsive 10-year old. A rejection is a rejection. The game ended, and even though flirtations were there, once in a while, the love affair wasn’t ever the same.

And that’s the dilemma of an impulsive soul – The doubts which cloud her/his existence. Doubts about their capacity to continue, capabilities to achieve. Doubts which surround their relations, especially with those far less expressive – Never being sure if they feel even an iota of what our impulsive person feels!

And doubts over putting their hearts to something! Knowing well, that a single rejection leads to a retreat. In most cases, complete retreat, in some cases, where hope flickers, a retreat for an evaluation which can never take place. Why? Because an impulsive person never knows how to evaluate – The same 1/0.

Over time, I have realised my shortcomings as an impulsive soul. I have seen myself quit way before other people would because I have come to terms with the fact that the heart breaks I once used to romanticize aren’t worth the pain. They are not beautiful, that they forever take away a part of your life which you can never redeem. And for all the lessons they give, the memories continue to create doubts – to make the jump or not!

 

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And you know what happens when you hesitate before a jump?

You slip, and you fall – Sometimes on your butt!


This is a post dedicated not to any person,  but to my impulsive self and to these doubts that continue to cloud my existence..

K.M.

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