The Sweet and the haunted

The title of this post may not be able to do justice to the content or maybe the opposite may happen. Either ways, I want to take this moment to probably officially close off my ties with my college as a student and now live with the title of ‘Alumnus’ of my Alma-Mater. A year too late, right?

Well, those close to me will understand (hopefully) why this comes a year after.

I have always felt like noting down duly my 4 years at college and 2 years before that. To bring out something which had every experience untouched and without the spices.  Something through which I will be able to recall coming out of the shell moment, growing among the equals, finding true friends and losing them, never to be found again, having my heart jump for someone special and break and then finally find a home, realizing what I may want to make out of my existence on this planet and living in the confusion at the same time. And if I ever were to pen all of this down, this is what I have always wanted the start to be –

“IIT-Delhi, how much is the fare?” asked my dad to the Auto-wale bhaiya outside my aunt’s house

“Rs 25 Sir”, came the reply and we got on-board

After around 15 minutes, we got off at the main gate of a place which would serve as my home for next 4 years.

Walking through those huge ‘White’ colored Iron gates, I was overcome with a feeling of heaviness and numbness at the same time, something so intense that I almost felt suffocated. I had no clue what had taken over me in that moment. I felt scared. I almost rushed my father to the office where we were supposed to deposit certain papers. And the moment the drop was made, without asking him what he wanted to do, I just requested that we head back to Aunt’s house while I absorbed the sight of MS (Main Building IIT Delhi). Probably he understood why I was in a hurry, or probably he too wanted to be in-doors and hence unanimously we proceeded outside. Unbelievably, once outside, I sensed blood rush back inside my body. I felt like having come back to life

So much has happened in life since that day, yet no other moment has been able to match the scare I experienced that day.

And though I slowly settled into place, the absence of trustworthy friends was always felt. And if that wasn’t enough, I lost touch with the few who I held extremely close. Academics started going down-hill and frustration became the toast of the days. A disaster 2nd Semester summarized how I had lost it completely

Still, some spark was still there and it helped guide the soul on its way. It was around this period I found my love for writing. I came up with this blog and started putting things in here. Poetry, abstract posts became a thing I found some joy in. At the height of it came a defining blow.

I had already lost many friends to my rigid stand to alcohol consumption inside my room – which peaked when I had my bed broken and notes drenched in the spirits. The deft blow was the culmination of it all. Afterwards, I found peace in my company. Friends became companions, to be walked with together until destinations changed. It didn’t matter if someone was good or bad, for the goods were kept, bad ones discarded, without much of a thought. Winter had yet to set in, but the heart had gone pretty cold already!

And then, everything changed!

December of 2010 was maybe the single best month of my life. Every single day in that month, I had found reasons to smile, laugh. I had danced, dated, talked, traveled and done much more. And my heart had found a resting place, eventually.

The next 5 semesters at IIT were different. ‘Frustoo’ tag went away. There were joys, despite all the lows life still experienced. The boy had started growing up already, this was the period when the growth started taking shape. I had found a new lease of life. I was getting up after every fall, I was coming back stronger and I had found reasons to fight for.

I never trusted people I lived with and hence my priorities never had them in the equations. A stupid set of misunderstandings further distanced me from the batch of people I termed as friends. It was at this time I found home in a wing full of Charged-Electrical people. This was a place I felt accepted. I actually made some friends during this time. I rediscovered the joys of spending time with groups. But one thing was still there, no matter how much you put in a year is less compared to four and hence there were always some distances. Nonetheless, I never missed friends during the time with the batti people.

Then, a year back exactly, I left college. And with that I left pretty much the circle I had become a part of because only a couple of them were to be in Gurgaon and have jobs which may give them a chance to have time for people who existed only in virtual domain.

The summer was an absolute disaster. The impact of college having finished came late and came strong. I was shaken to the core. But then, an old friend, an old gem had returned, if not same as the old days, but back nonetheless. Office gave me the necessary escape route and things have gone on afterwards.

But just over the past couple of months, I have realized that things were never as I thought they were. Despite so much talks, being part of so many groups, my reputation was much different from the one which I felt was. And I have been left with so many questions about myself. When I wasn’t there, I wasn’t missed and this probably dawned upon me way too late. The ‘Good guy’ inside me who felt that he had been somehow understood to be ‘bad’  understood that he was actually ‘Bad guy’ trying to act ‘Good’

I wish I would have understood this earlier that I wasn’t as good as I thought as I was. That I had actually messed up the balancing act which life actually requires us to do. I had foolishly kept all my eggs in one basket and though the eggs didn’t exactly break, I did lose the basket .

The walks till Karakoram had already become impossible because of this thought. Now, it seems the entire campus would have its surreal Aura returned back to it. Hauz-Khas metro station and the ride till the gate would be hard. And the feelings which may come while walking past those giant white iron gates, maybe the same as first time.


PS: Despite all this, I am still grateful to have had some people back in touch. It would have become totally impossible to have sustained the pressure without them.




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